The Below is an article which I wrote for the Carrs Lane
Monthly News Booklet December edition ....
The Carrs Lane
Lived community is now entering its fourteenth week; it is still very early
days, we are still working out slowly what this step into the unknown is going
to become. One question I have been asked several times over the last few weeks
is “How are the prayers going?” a simple question without a simple answer.
Our Gospels are
stories of light and darkness, of brightness and shade. As we read the
intensity of this paradox gradually builds, the contrast becomes uncomfortable;
we are drawn forward by the light of Love and yet repelled by the reality of
where living this “Good News” seems to inevitably lead. The Resurrection is
both a present and a coming reality, we can continually rejoice in our freedom;
and yet the cross stands unavoidably in the way.
This spiritual
tension sits at the very heart of prayer; I have felt it intensely over the
last few weeks. In prayer there are times of light, and times of darkness.
There are times when the joy is overwhelming, and times when a sense of despair
is all encompassing. At times I can be inspired with possibility and energy, at
other times stricken with a sense of palpable panic at what God might be
calling me to do, and at still other times I can be lulled into a sense of
unhealthy self-righteousness. There are days when I feel close to God and other
days when he feels a long way away. Some days I am a pillar of salt, other days
a sea of emotion, and on still other days I pass through our times of prayer
with my conscious mind half asleep.
For me all of
this is part of prayer, I can only pray as I am, not as the person I would like
to be. But being who I really am before God, is at times hard work. Allowing
God to love me just as I am is not a simple task. In prayer there are times of emptiness
which make no sense, defying all rational explanation. Emptiness and
vulnerability are part of prayer. There is always a strong temptation to be
like Jonah and run away.
I was struck by an article which Neil Riches (URC minister here at Carrs Lane) wrote in last month’s Journey, he wrote about the temptation which
we all experience to become “Functionally Atheist”. For me this temptation
lives itself out most deeply in my times of prayer. In prayer it is very easy
to become what the Gospels call ‘Play-actors’1 , we pretend to seek
a relationship with God but are all too aware how challenging that encounter
will be, we know deep down that we are called to give everything, and so, because
we don’t want to lose our comfortable existence, instead we pretend to pray.
There are times when make-believe religion seems very attractive; I find it oh so
easy to convince myself, and everyone else, that it is the real thing!
Perhaps it is
for this reason that we need community, I am too weak to be able to really pray
alone, I am realising slowly that it is better that way.
